KO.

So, this week has been the hardest in a long, long time. I wont go into details, its actually unbelievable whats happened; but we've made it. It's sunday, we're on the other side and we're going to be okay.

We've been so sick of 'just being okay' and 'just getting by' this year, I never thought I'd say it; but after the past 7 days, okay will be just fine for now.

I'm okay with just being okay.

Okay seems okay.

Static.

Sometimes I forget that the Internet can't talk back to me. I wish it could sometimes. Sometimes I just really want it to say something in its all knowing, all powerful voice. But then I remember that its the Internet, not some old next door neighbour who wants you round for cups of tea every so often.

I don't even know what the Internet would sound like. This blows my mind as much as trying to figure out whether the inside or outside of a sock is dirtiest.

*mindblown*

But yeah. I cant get rid of this feeling of disconnection. Maybe that's why I wish the Internet would talk to me. Just for someone to talk to. I spend a lot of time with the Internet, it should know me by now. All my quirks, all my faults, what topics I love to talk about, and what subjects should totally be avoided. Such as how much I love Monarch of the Glen, or how I despise discussing the talent of The Beatles.

Doesn't matter who I talk to these days, there's something in the way. A broken laptop, lack of signal, lack of time, lack of conversation, lack of hands, lack of interest, work, uni, college. Too much. All inevitable as well so maybe that's why I'm moaning on here rather than facebook. Not as well read.

Psht. Facebook. Begining to dislike that too now.

Maybe I should do a Tom Hanks and get me a handprinted ball to talk to. Or an invisible friend. Or a tiny man who lives on my thumb called Mr Thimble. Those seem pretty cool.

I think writing this blog is saving me from going that mad. Just yet anyway.

I'm just utterly miserable instead.

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Thursday Survey

1. I’ve come to realize that my hair:
is getting darker by the day. My mum has jet black hair and I'm creeping up on that.

2. I’ve come to realize that when I talk:
I change my accent according to who I'm talking to. Family = Stranraerian. James's Family = normal English. Uni friends = a mix of both. I get really conscious that I sound ridiculous.

3. I’ve come to realize that all I really need is:
something to believe in, something to look forward to, someone to love and someone to listen.

4. I’ve come to realize that I’ve lost:
a few friends. Well maybe not lost, more like as if we're all in a big maze separated by hedges. Like those scary ones in that Harry Potter film. Yunno, the one with the dragons.

5. I’ve come to realize that I hate it when:
Things don't work out the way I prepared myself for in my head. It happens far too much.

6. I’ve come to realize that if I’m drunk:
(which doesn't happen often, more of a tipsy girl) I babble, before just wanting to sleep.

7. I’ve come to realize that money:
can disappear too quick if you're not careful. £90 on new shoes is only allowed on very special occasions. VERY SPECIAL. Like, aliens invading.

8. I’ve come to realize that when I get old:
I will be a pretty hilarious pensioner. I hope I'm the granny my grandkids like.

9. I’ve come to realize that I’ll always be:
Chubby.

10. I’ve come to realize that I have a crush on:
Alec Baldwin. Fail. Not to mention James :P

11. I’ve come to realize that the last time I cried was:
when watching Up. My teary moments are increasing lately.

12. I’ve come to realize that my cell phone:
is actually pretty boring but totally key to my survival of life.

13. I’ve come to realize that when I wake up in the morning:
I'm actually more tired than when I went to bed.

14. I’ve come to realize that before I go to sleep at night I:
spend ages rolling around trying to get comfy. Then get too hot, unravel myself, then have to reravel myself.

15. I’ve come to realize that right now I am thinking about:
Possibly seeing James on Sunday. Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

16. I’ve come to realize that my life:
revolves around everyone else. It has its ups and downs, but its actually okay.

17. I’ve come to realize that my favorite drink is:
Coke in any variety except the Diet. Vimto and Irn Bru remind me of James, Sprite makes me thirstier than I was before I had a drink.

18. I’ve come to realize that today I will and MUST:
write my Scottish literature essay.

19. I’ve come to realize that tonight I will:
not sleep until said essay is written.

20. I’ve come to realize that tomorrow I will:
probably still be writing that essay, and be pissed off about it. Also, I'm bag packing with glen, then getting him a new phone. Then maybe time for some cruizin'.

21. I’ve come to realize that I really want to:
Get the next 4 years over as quickly and as painlessly as possible. There is so much waiting for me.

22. I’ve come to realize that relationships are:
Diverse.

23. I’ve come to realize that love:
makes you feel ways you never expected to feel. I was never going to be "that girl".

24. I’ve come to realize my best guy friend(s):
are James and Stephen.

25. I’ve come to realize my best girl friend(s):
are probably Elena, Tasha and Jena. They're rad, and they put up with me. What more do I want?

26. I’ve come to realize food is:
a huuuge line in my life. If things in my life were measured in lines that is.

27: I’ve come to realize that this summer:
I am going to live it like a summer.

28. I’ve come to realize heartbreak is:
inevitable but overcomeable, universal but totally individual.

29. I’ve come to realize that crying:
sucks.

30. I’ve come to realize that death:
shouldn't be waited on, living your life for death sucks.

31. I’ve come to realize that if I’m sick:
I become even more sleepy that I generally am.

32. I’ve come to realize that when I’m bored:
I snack on wotsits whilst watching reruns of Monarch of the Glen. Better than therapy.

Only you, evergreen, ever sun, ever moon.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way
than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

Pablo Neruda


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2010?

Okay so it seems everyone is doing these target things and despite the fact that I know I will probably not keep many of them despite trying my hardest, I thought I’d join in. 2009 was pretty great, despite being a bitch in places. Finished school with a water fight, had a good time with my job through the summer, spent oodles of lovely time with James, getting my A in Sociology (ROFL) and therefore somehow starting Uni, met some great new people and had some laughs, spent loads more time with James, probably totally failed all my exams, before having a great family Christmas and New Year in lovely snow.

So, me list.

- To lose some inches, not weight as much, but inches and get fitter but still remain my chubby self.
- Pass first year Uni or get into one I can pass.
- Do the above by actually doing the work set.
- Draw and make more things.
- Spend as much time with James as possible.
- Save money for Holiday avec James.
- Penikis-Dornan flat! Bring it!
- Stop being paranoid about a lot of silly things.
- Befriend Boris from Sociology. Just so I can say I have a friend called Boris.
- Dress up more.
- Find the perfect shoes to replace my red converse which are sadly dying.

Probably one of the biggest ones is figuring out what I want to do with my life. I’ve had this conversation so many times with so many different people (I apologise to my mum and dad, James’s mum and dad and James especially) I just don’t have any direction. I’ve never been able to say oh, this is exactly what I want to do and this is where I want to be in ten or twenty years time. I’m not particularly good at anything nor do I have the drive to become so and I’ve no interest in anything but lots of little things ranging from creative things to more educational ones. There’s only one thing I am certain about in my future and that’s James so I’m hoping this year that maybe I can work things out and that will make things a little easier with regards to Uni and work. Here’s hoping! I guess I’ve got my list to keep me occupied in-between.

Okay, so thats me, we're packed. Yup. Right down to my mayonnaise. It's actually happening, doesn't feel like it yet, but it sure is. I'm offically moving on and out...

Crikey.


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Mayonnaise and the Likes.

Yunno, this getting ready to go to university thing really starts to mess with your head. Its constant, constant thinking like do I have one of these packed? Can I get this in Glasgow? Will I need this? How much will I need? And you start to set aside things that are totally crazy - like, how often am I going to use my stripy bucket? My vase of jelly beans? My lucky yellow plastic tiddlywinks frog?

Okay, I might need that last one.

It's even worse when you wake up in the middle of the night scream-thinking, OMG DO I HAVE CUPS?!?! You just don't know, you know you need them and cant figure out why this thought hasn't occurred to you before now, so you panic write CUPS! on your arm with the nearest pen. Which happens to be red, so you wake up in the morning wondering why you scratched the word cups into your skin. But then you suddenly remember, the panicky feeling returns, you wake up early to ask your mum because you HAVE to know if you have cups!

Turns out you do. You've got 4 apparently, you chose them, they match your tea towels.

Peace resumes.

And so it goes.

Until every morning when my granny comes over and has a scribbled list of things she thought of the night before too. Toothbrushes? A sharp knife? Plasters? Soap powder? Glass bowls? MAYONNAISE!?!?!

I don't even use mayonnaise nor do I hav anything to use the mayonnaise with but hey, I'll take a jumbo 800ml tub with me just in case.


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